When we think of the word ‘redundancy’, we think of shortage of money and a difficult future, yet there are other forms of redundancy which have a completely different effect. I have never lost my job because of redundancy but I have felt the pain of those other forms.

Saying goodbye to the full-time care of my first son on his first day in ‘big school’ hurt tremendously, though I still had the comfort of looking after my second son. By the time my second son started school, I already had a part-time job which made ends meet. When my later to be born third son went to school, I simply found making ends meet an easier task, as I was used to giving my sons to the education system and was now working to provide.

The process happened again when my first and second sons passed their driving tests and had full-time employment, then eventually moved on to finding partners and getting places of their own. I still had my third son at home and he still needed my care and attention, or the best I could give while being a single parent and full-time worker.

Taxiing my third son back and forth to his girlfriend’s house at the end of my working day was a bit of a chore but then he passed his driving test. While I was pleased at this success, my feeling of redundancy from motherhood hurt so much. After all I had done to get my three boys up and running, all I had left was the occasional glance of my third son, or maybe only the acknowledgement that he had woken me from my sleep in the early hours of the morning, as he arrived home from his own future-building.

When he got those twelve points which left him without a licence, I experienced the strangest of feelings. The taxiing was once again on the agenda but, more than that, I was needed again. Passing his test again and leaving me once again redundant felt better the second time around.

With three children up and running, it seemed easy for me to consider a life abroad. After all, they had proved they didn’t need me. Indeed, they were too busy to visit me, such were the pressures of running a home and supporting a family. Yet, that wasn’t how it was. While two sons felt that my enjoying a new future seemed so appealing, one son viewed my move as desertion. Had it been my sons who were taking off into a new world, I would have felt proud that, somehow, I had contributed to their feeling of independence which was allowing them to make that life-changing decision.

Just when does a parent’s responsibilities taper off? We may agree that they never end but when does thinking about oneself become the right thing?

Maybe that time never comes … .

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